


Still Crazy After All These Years

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-08
Updated: 2005-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-15 09:29:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: What happens after the convention between Josh and Donna.





	Still Crazy After All These Years

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Still Crazy After All These Years**

**by: Brandy**

**Character(s):** Josh, Donna  
**Pairing(s):** Josh/Donna  
**Category(s):** Romance  
**Rating:** CHILD  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Never was, still isn't, never shall be...  
**Summary:** What happens after the convention between Josh and Donna.  
**Spoiler:** Post season Six  
**Written:** March 18, 2005  
**Feedback:** Better than the finest muffins and bagels in the land. Send all virtual goodies to brandy_j_1959@hotmail.com  
**Author's Note:** I've been out of this for a while and I'm thinking I may have lost my muse/voice for J &D. You guys can judge. I've passed the point of anything resembling rational and objective criticism. 

The Democratic National Convention- final night: 

The remaining members of the Russell campaign staff were starting to filter out of the room. For them, the excitement of the night had withered out. They all made a point to congratulate Josh on their way out. Nobody was willing to burn political bridges, regardless of what their feelings had been a few hours ago. Josh acknowledged their words with subdued good grace, and Donna couldn't help but notice the lack of any smugness in his demeanor. 

The Josh of old- the one who turned into a strutting peacock in victory- had mellowed. She was surprised to find that she was faintly nostalgic for that old Josh... or maybe just for the fresh excitement of those days when he would strut and gloat that there were winners and losers and he had won, then demand the finest bagels and muffins in the land as his spoils of victory. That Josh could be insufferable at times, but he was never boring. 

She cast another side-long look at him as he watched the repeat coverage of Congressman Santos and Leo taking the stage as the newly nominated Democratic candidates. There was a look of awe coupled with quiet satisfaction in his eyes. She saw the fire and determination to win, but it was tempered with something else... something she couldn't quite identify. 

"Your guy was really something tonight."Donna said, finally breaking the companionable silence that had lingered between them. 

Josh looked away from the screen, and with a hint of a smile, gently corrected her, "Our guy." 

A fleeting moment of question passed over her features before she realized that he was right. They were no longer divided by split loyalties and purposes. The decision had been made, and if only by virtue of appearances, they were once again on the same team. 

"Our guy."she agreed, returning his smile. 

"They look great up there, don't they?"Josh commented, a smile turning the corners of his mouth as he glanced at the screen where Leo and Matt Santos stood together on the convention stage, before returning his attention to Donna.

"Yes, they do. I was surprised when I heard Leo was your choice for running mate."

"I was kind of surprised myself.... but it just seemed right. Sort of like I was finally fulfilling a promise I had made to myself a while ago."

"I know."

A look passed between them then. It was the shared remembrance of an afternoon in his office and a conversation about an idealistic notion regarding Leo McGarry and and the recently vacated position of Vice President. At that time it had seemed as improbable as it was idealistic. Now... well, things were different now. But were they different enough?

"I'll say this for you- when you attempt to lasso the moon, you go all out."Donna commented, an indulgent grin turning the corners of her mouth and giving light to her eyes.

"Are you comparing me to George Bailey?"he asked with a hint of a chuckle.

"George Bailey was a good guy. There's nothing wrong with being compared to him."Donna replied defensively.

"I'm not complaining, Donnatella- just asking."he replied, then looking away from her, he added softly, "Actually, it's good to know that you think of me as a nice guy."

"I always thought you were a nice guy- deep down that is."she added the last with a hint of a teasing grin.

"I kind of had the idea that you thought I was a pain in the ass who had very few, if any, redeeming qualities."

"You are a pain in the ass- but you're still a nice, sweet guy when you want to be."

"Sweet too?"he asked, looking a little surprised.

"You have your moments. In fact, I remember a few of those quite fondly." Josh looked at her closely for a long moment. It was strange, how they were now. At one time, for a very long time, they had enjoyed a certain rhythm, a give and take that was almost instinctive. It was a groove, a pattern that they had fallen into very early on, with hardly any effort at all. 

In retrospect, Josh knew that Donna had far more to do with the comfort level of that pattern than he had. She had altered her own rhythm to suit his for years, and he had grown so used to that rhythm that he had come to depend on it.. on her, like the air he breathed. It wasn't until she was a continent away, and her life was hanging in the balance did he realize how much he truly needed her. 

Of course, once he realized that, what had he done? Had he told her what she meant to him? No. He had given her little glimpses into the truth in his heart, but then he had shied away behind a curtain of fear. He gave himself a dozen reasons why the time wasn't right or she wasn't ready to hear what he had to say- but it was all bullshit, and he knew it. 

She had come back from Germany, and he had tried to pretend that nothing was different, that nothing had changed, and they both knew it was a lie. Everything was different. Everything had changed. So, while he was drowning in denial, she was moving on. Then one day, he came up for air long enough to see that she was gone, and he was all alone in his denial. That was what set his own feet out the door and on to his own journey.

Now things had changed again. Had they changed enough so that Josh could finally say what he wanted to for so long, and have the courage to hear whatever she would say in return. Could they ever have that rhythm again? A more perfect and equal shared synchronicity? Was it possible?v "I'm glad that the moments when I was a jerk didn't drown out the few good things I managed to pull off."Josh finally replied with a self-deprecating smile.

"Truthfully, it was more good than bad, Josh. I was really very happy working for you for a very long time."

"Just working for me? What about us... I mean, we were friends- right?"

"Of course we were. It's just- we were... complicated. Whatever we had, what we were then- it blurred a lot of borders, and it was confusing and frustrating- for both of us , I think. "

Josh took a moment to digest that, and realized she was right. It had been complicated, and frustrating for both of them.

"What about now? "he ventured, and Donna heard both hope and trepidation in his voice.

"We're still friends, Josh. No matter what else, I'd like to think that we'll always be friends."

"It's funny. I knew I thought of you as a friend- my best friend, even- but I never knew if you felt that way, if I had been that good of a friend to you."

"Friendship doesn't work that way. It's not a tally of 'what have you done for me lately'. You do things for the people you care about because you want to, not out of duty or obligation. Have you lived in the world of professional politics so long that you can't understand the distinction? Friends care for each other because of their faults as much as despite them."

"I asked because we've been.... not quite ourselves since-"

"Since I left?"Donna clarified.

Josh nodded, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I can't argue with that,"Donna noted with quiet resignation.

"I didn't handle that well. Not so much the leaving as your need to move on. I kept avoiding the conversation because I knew what you were going to say, and it scared the hell out of me."Josh admitted.

"I know. But I let you get away with it, so you weren't totally to blame."

Josh looked confused for a second, then curious. He leaned closer to her, until their arms were touching. He could smell the lingering traces of the shampoo she used... or was it her skin cream? He let his senses take a walk down memory lane and finally nailed the source down. Her skin cream. He can't remember what it's called, but he would know that scent anywhere.

"Why?"he finally asked, bringing himself back from his sensory musings. "Why did you let me get away with it?"

"Because there was a small part of me that was scared to have that conversation with you. I knew what I needed to do, but I knew it would be hard and that if you tried- and I knew you probably would- you just might be able to talk me out of it."

"I'd like to think that I would have wanted you to do what was best for you- but you're probably right. I would have tried like hell to convince you to stay."

"Why?"she asked, even though, deep down inside, she already knew the answer.

"Because... in some weird part of my brain, I thought that if I lost you as my assistant, that I would lose you altogether, and I couldn't stand the idea of that. I had already had a glimpse of what that would feel like, and it was pretty awful."

This time Donna couldn't take her eyes from his. She kept thinking that someone would wander into the room and break whatever spell was being cast over them, and then she realized she didn't care who came in. What was happening here was both long overdue and right on time, and nothing was going to impede it.

"You didn't have me then, Josh. We didn't 'have' each other. We worked together. Did you think the job was the only thing that connected us to each other?"Donna asked, her hand settling over his, as she leaned closer still. Her shimmering blue eyes looked intently into his warm brown ones.

"I was... I was afraid to hope beyond that. I mean.. it was like our friendship and everything else was inextricably wound up with what had brought us together in the first place."

"But that's crazy, Josh. Even if I had stayed, we'd be in exactly the same boat in a few more months. "

"I know. I didn't say it made sense. A lot of things in my head don't make sense- not even to me sometimes." He flashed her a grin and those dimples that she had secretly fallen in love with so long ago came out for her enjoyment. She had sorely missed the presence of those dimples.

"When you came rushing to me in Germany- that wasn't about us working together, and don't pass it off as concern for a friend. I have plenty of friends and they didn't make the trip..."

"I can't argue with that."

"So... why? Why did you drop everything- when all hell was breaking loose here, and travel several hundred miles to be with me?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"he asked with an intensity that let her know that he was finally willing to speak his mind and open his heart, he just needed to know that she was ready to hear it.

A whispered "yes" accompanied her slow nod, her hand covering his.

"It was because I couldn't imagine being anywhere but by your side. Because from the moment I heard you were in that explosion my world came careening to a dead stop and all I could think about was you. In an instant I saw every moment we had ever shared, every laugh, every smile, every tear, every touch, and every word, and it wasn't nearly enough. The idea that I would never see you or hear your voice or touch you again was more devastating than anything I could imagine. In that one moment all I could think of was that I loved you more than I thought possible and I had been too stupid or selfish or scared to ever tell you. That's why."

Having bared his heart, his eyes fell away from hers to their joined hands. She hadn't pulled away, but she had yet to say a word, and Josh couldn't tell how she felt. He took solace in the fact that he had finally told her- that was one misgiving that would cease to haunt him.

"Did you ever wonder why I asked for you before they took me to surgery?" She asked, breaking into his reverie.

He glanced back at her, a spark of hope in his eyes. "Sure, I wondered.. but I thought it was just because-"

"It was for all the reasons you just said- about the things we had shared- everything you are to me. All those moments and how it wasn't enough. Those things you confessed to me were feelings very similar to ones I had years before when I sat in a hospital waiting room full of people, feeling more alone and petrified than I thought possible, waiting to see if you would live or die. Wondering if I'd ever have the courage to tell you how I felt about you. "

"And in all the time since... you never... you never said anything."Josh said, a little wide-eyed at the length and depth of their denial.

"I tried. I was just as scared as you- if not more. There were a lot of factors to consider, not the least of which was our professional relationship. Also, there was our crazy friendship with it's constantly changing lines and borders. As weird as it was, I valued it so much, and I was scared that if you knew how I felt it would make that friendship impossible. So instead, I tried to show you in other ways how important you were to me. Innocent, non-threatening ways. Ways that wouldn't shake up that precarious balance that we had."

"But after you came back.. you were so distant. I thought you had discovered how I felt and didn't feel the same, but you just didn't know how to tell me."

"I was... I had a lot of things to work out after what happened in Gaza. Things that didn't just have to do with you or how I felt about you. I kept wondering why."Donna replied, her voice getting quiet and a little shaky at he end.

"Why... what?"Josh asked, his brow crinkling in confusion and a little concern.

"Why me. Why did I survive when they... when everyone else in that car wasn't so lucky? What purpose had I been saved in order to serve?"

"Yeah..."Josh sighed in understanding. "I know a little about feelings like that. Maybe if we had talked about it I could have helped. I have this neat story that Leo told me and everything. It's about this guy who falls in a hole and his friend that jumps in after him to help him find his way out."

"You would do that for me? Jump in the hole and help me find my way out?"she asked, although she already knew the answer.

"Sure. I would do whatever I could for you. You'd do it for me. You always have. Did you doubt that?"

Donna didn't say anything for a while. She just looked deeply into Josh's eyes and shook her head as a slow smile turned up the corners of he mouth. "We really are a pair, aren't we? Both stumbling in the dark looking and hoping for the same thing, but too dumb to turn on the light-switch and see it was right there all along."

"That was a nice little analogy there, Donna."Josh replied with a smirk.

"And sadly apt."she rejoined.

"It doesn't have to end there, does it?" He asked.

"I don't want it to. Do you?"

In response, Josh stood and held out his hand to her. Donna took it in hers and stood facing him, their bodies scant inches apart. Their eyes met and held, as his hand left hers and traveled up to caress her arm.

"I've never wanted any part of what we have to end- except maybe the confusion and frustration that was tying us both up in knots. Things are different now- but not so different that I'm not still as crazy about you as I've been for more years than I can remember. I want to start things new... no that's not right. I want to take what we already have and find out just how great it can be. How great we can be together. "

"You think we can be great together?"

"I think we were great before we knew there was an 'us'. Now that we've figured that out, there's no limit to what we can do together," Josh replied, as he cradled her face in his hands and looked into her eyes with all the sincerity and devotion that was in his heart.

"We've got to be crazy to try to start a relationship in the middle of all this madness," Donna observed with a wave around her, as if she was encompassing the future of what lay before and around them; the campaign, the election and the hope of a new administration in which they would both have potentially important positions.

"We're not 'starting' anything. We're just picking up what we had and taking it to a whole new and improved level. Besides... I've been crazy for you for years, don't you think it's time to be crazy together?" Josh asked, tilting his head down to touch hers, his lips a breath away from hers.

"That doesn't sound very normal or healthy," she whispered in a vain attempt at admonishment. She didn't really want to admonish him, or dissuade him for that matter. What she really wanted was for him to kiss her.

"Normal is boring, and we aren't boring. As for unhealthy- the only unhealthy thing I can think of is waiting any longer to do this..."

With that, Josh did what he dreamed of doing for more nights than he could remember. For once in his life everything was coming together at the same time. No more sacrificing or setteling. No more wishing for what made life worth living. No more being too scared to take a risk with his heart, because giving his heart to Donna wasn't a risk- it set him free.

When he pulled away and looked into Donna's eyes, he saw the sparkle he had been missing for so many months, and he saw that sweet smile he had missed directed at him, and knew that it had all been worthwhile. After all these years they still had that spark, that unique rhythm that made them who they were. It had taken them a while to get there- but they had made it. 


End file.
